Botchi

Jankins claimed the European douche throne aged just 18, piercing the hegemony of Hungarian ace Pate Nelskuss in the notorious ‘three day battle of Budapest’. Jankins’ unique combination of scattergram rebounds and the Wichita footbrake-twist overwhelmed Nelskuss, and every other opponent for the next 12 years. The key strength of Jankins’ game was his phenomenal ability to triangulate two pins when lesser douchers, embroiled in the same situation, would capitulate into an infinite regress of teleological drift.

A brilliant mind, a supple wrist and a big heart enabled Jankins to defy the potential hindrance of his gigantism. These factors kept him at the top of his game until he rode his moped through a café window just hours after defending his title for the 25th time. Conspiracy theories multiplied like bacteria, but the sane presume that Jankins was just pissed. He is remembered by a rotating 100ft statue that decorates the gardens of the Douche Hall of Fame in Minsk.

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